Praise His Holy Name: American Idol to End

Hey, I calls it like I sees it.  After 15 seasons of corruption, the big-wigs have decided that profit margins have dwindled far enough for American Idol to end.  I'm sure The Voice will continue to enthrall us all for another decade to come, yippee?

your overlords

When product placements run rampant, you know it's over. That's not the only coca that's been on that table.

We must honor our supreme overlords by appending the word "dawg" to the end of every sentence and playing "good cop, bad cop" to everyone who stands before us.  To help convince us that tryouts really meant something, we'd get a couple of episodes of making fun of the  real men and women of America, and then be subjected to a tournament featuring handpicked candidates based equally on their looks and ability to support an agenda as their talent.

Let's remember the highlights from the early seasons when anyone still gave a crap, such as when we were told that nobody could enter the competition who previously had had a recording contract.  And then Kelly Clarkson won and was lifted to stardom, despite her previous recording contracts.  Yet more talented singers around the nation had been turned away that had massive support and still do, meanwhile Clarkson has faded away already.

Let's not forget the social escapade of walking on egg-shells while everyone tried to decide which candidate was more politically correct to vote for, the obese black guy or the malnourished gay ginger guy.  And after Ruben "Sammy" Studdard won, Clay Aiken laughably decided to try the same stunt in real politics.  He assumed wrongly that the citizens of this country are that stupid.  We're not.  We're just too lazy to revolt against the nonsense.  "Hey, this guy can sing... like really good.  I hereby nominate him to join Congress.  Do I have a second?  Hear hear."

I must say, American Idol jumped the shark with the LGBT angle well before Glee ever considered it.  So they had that going for them.  I did like Adam Lambert though, for reals.  That Blake Lewis guy was a killer on-stage, but his solo record was just bad.  "B-Shorty on the mic!"  Wat.  Nice, fake beatboxing there, pal.

After 15 hellacious years of lies, corrupt competition, a broken digital voting system, undeserving candidates, and more, we bid thee farewell, American Idol.  We barely knew thee.  Your rotting carcass will be forgotten quickly.  Unfortunately you've spawned off at least two or three copy cat shows, and the same amount in nearly every country on the planet.  The evil prince is good at spawning off countless little devil children.


Can anyone name me a single winner of American Idol, after 15 years, that still has a real career in the music business?  Do you mean to tell me that America didn't really care about their idols?  Or is it that maybe we that the judges overrode our votes for candidates we wouldn't have elevated into the real tournament anyways?  This whole thing reminds me of some dystopian science fiction movie right out of the mind of Aldous Huxley.  It was so absurd that we've gotten a Black Mirror episode based on it.  Think about that for a second.

Until the cookie-cutter conveyor belt finds a new way of pumping out worker drones for the old men at the top of the music industry, we're glad to see you go quiet into that long night...