You thought this was something you wanted? Do you dream about 100,000 raving fans a night, plus the few throwing water and lighters at you? Well, guess again, because here are the Top 10 reasons being a pop star sucks…
1. Riders & Planes
People think it’s cute to make fun of us for this, but there’s a reason for having a “rider” in our contracts with each venue. It’s not to slide in unreasonable demands to make sure they’re paying attention, it’s because we actually need them.
For instance, when I ask for a bowl of peanut M&M’s without the blue color, I mean it. My spirit guide hates the way that color vibrates in his aura and that ruins the musical occult ritual, I mean, song and dance performance.
But it’s not just the riders that get screwed up. Sometimes you get to the venue and you’re having a bad hair day. No matter how much you try, you can’t get your eyebrows to sit right. So you call for Jamie and find out her plane was delayed again.
Seriously, I pay $30,000 per tour so I don’t have to run around with peasant eyebrows, and they can’t even keep the private jets on time.
2. Copycat Artists
Every single time my songwriters churn out a hit, Ariana Grande’s songwriters do their best impression of me and iterate on it (barely change it) and capitalize on my new sound all summer long. And then I can’t have my team keep writing the same song over and over because suddenly I’m the copycat.
Yet Nickelback gets to have an entire career on the same chord progression in the same key, 12 times per album.
3. Impending Doom
I know my time is written on the wall, and I’m a nervous wreck about it. I keep pulling out my carefully crafted eyebrow hairs during panic attacks.
All because I know I’m biding my time until the supposed “lead” girl in our trio goes solo and I’ll be stuck doing choruses for unknown rappers just so they can get me in their videos and claim we dated.
I think me, the rest of Destiny’s Child, and the rest of N’Sync should form a music supergroup, honestly. And maybe we’ll feature the rest of G-Unit here and there.
4. Touring Schedules
I don’t want to go on tour again, but someone’s gotta pay off this advance I blew the first week I got signed for this new record. I can’t keep leasing cars and jewelry, it’s embarrassing. It’s not even just that… I don’t see why we can’t reuse the same dance routine we had for the videos.
What’s twice as bad is they want me to ride in the bus with the crew because they built a little vocal booth in the back next to the toilet so I can smash out the next album. They want it done during this tour so I don’t even have to stop touring before the next one.
Maybe if we made it into a reality TV show, instead of a Lego block set, I’d reconsider.
5. “Be a Musician”
The bigwigs in corporate want me to learn the acoustic guitar, because they want to remarket me as a “Taylor Swift” Nashville-type artist. I barely graduated middle school. I can’t even locate my country on the map. How am I supposed to learn what a chord is?
They did promise me an MTV Unplugged event if I can pull it off, though. I’m thinking about hiring a body double.
6. The Disgusting Food
Do you have any clue how sick i am of eating catered lobster bisque seasoned with diamonds and a side of asparagus, steak tips, and an entire bottle of wine?
I throw it out most of the time. Cycle that with this Hollywood diet juice they mainline straight into my stomach and I never want to see another rack of pre-cracked king snow crab legs ever again.
7. What Movie Cameos?
Ja Rule, Common, DMX, Ludacris… they keep taking all the movie cameos… where’s room for me? Rihanna even got to be in that god-aweful Battleship movie.
When is it my turn!? That one Giver movie even gave Taylor Swift a non-speaking role as a piano player. I bet she can’t even play the piano!
I bet she can’t even point out her country on a world map. And they’re giving that goofy Irish kid, Ed Sheeran, a Game of Thrones cameo. They even give guitar’s cameos these days. I’d even settle for a kid’s show slot. Disney, what’s up, I’m available!
8. Being Rich is Expensive
Do you know how expensive it is to be a 1%-er? Do you realize how much it costs to air condition a 20 million dollar house while nobody but the maid squad (What up, ladies!) is in it?
Why am I paying a cook $100,000 a year when I’m not even there half the time? I guess the fact that I get everything else absolutely free makes up for it (humble brag).
9. Living the Dream is a Lie
JEM & The Holograms is a lie. This is nothing like they said it would be. I don’t get to go Super Saiyan Sailor Moon or nothing. My producer reinvents my style every year, too. I don’t even know who I am any more. It’s probably about time I release an alter-ego album. Maybe this MK Ultra stuff is true. I can’t even remember how I got here.
Sure, I’m a heroine to most. I’m pretty amazing, but the only super villains around are my stalkers. I have to pay someone to wear a hazmat suit just to open my mail. Someone’s got to do something about this!
I can’t wait till all of this is over and I can shave my head and start opening for Britney Spears in some Las Vegas casino.
10. I Went Down to the Crossroads
Then there’s the inevitable on-stage firework exploding on me, catching me on fire, and some Hollywood doctor botching my surgery and getting me addicted to some pill, and then as I’m slowly dying some one will claim I “assaulted” their child.
Then the media will crucify me just to have a story, and then Apple will blow billions to get the rights to my discography and I won’t see a dime because I’ll be crying out in pain in a jail cell and then as soon as I’m buried they’ll start leasing my songs to every car commercial possible.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this!